Thanksgiving is a beloved holiday, full of gratitude, delicious food, and warm family moments. But if, for some unholy reason, you decided you wanted to ruin it… here is a disturbingly effective set of instructions. (Do not try these. Or do. But don’t blame me.)
Step 1: Arrive With Maximum Chaotic Energy
Show up three hours early, or three hours late. Announce dramatically that you “brought something special,” then reveal it is either absolutely nothing, or the weirdest dish imaginable (cold tuna casserole, anyone?). Bonus points if you loudly ask, “So who’s fighting this year?” before even taking off your coat.
Step 2: Destroy the Sacred Ritual of Cooking
Hover over the cook and say things like, “Hmm, are you sure it’s supposed to look like that?” or “My air fryer could do it better.” Offer to “help,” then immediately burn something, under-season everything, or start reorganizing the spice cabinet alphabetically. If someone trusts you with the gravy, congratulations, you now hold the power to end the holiday.
Step 3: Bring Up Every Forbidden Topic at the Table
When the turkey is carved and everyone is relaxed, drop one of the classic Thanksgiving bombs: politics, past relationships, or “So… when are you two having kids?” If you want to go nuclear, ask Grandma how long she thinks she has left. Instant disaster.
Step 4: Eat Like You’re Filming a Nature Documentary
Chew loudly, comment on the texture of the stuffing like a sommelier describing wine, or whisper “gobble gobble” before every bite. Ask the host if the turkey is supposed to be that dry. Bonus destruction: take the last dinner roll without asking. Make eye contact while you do it.
Step 5: Introduce Chaos After Dessert
Once everyone is full and peaceful, declare that you’re “just being honest” and share your “real opinions” about the family. Start a surprise talent show. Bring out a ukulele. Suggest a group juice cleanse. Let the dog lick all the serving spoons. Turn the TV off right before kickoff. The possibilities are endless.
Step 6: Leave a Legacy of Disaster
When it’s time to leave, forget your leftovers, your coat, your dignity, and your phone charger. Announce loudly that “this was memorable” without explaining why. Then vanish into the night like a confused Thanksgiving goblin.
Of course… Don’t Do this ! respect your family, and behave like a good human being. You got all the steps not to do it. you’ve been warned, and given all the keys not to ruin Thanksgiving.
