Forget modern Black Friday with its online carts, discount codes, and peaceful scrolling in pajamas. No, no. If you want to experience Black Friday the way our ancestors didn’t ask for, here’s how to do it vintage style: like an elegant time traveler with questionable choices.
Step 1: Dress Like You’re From a More Dramatic Era
Put away the yoga pants. For true vintage Black Friday energy, try:
• 1950s: perfectly ironed dress, pearls, and heels you’ll instantly regret
• 1960s: bold prints, wild eyeliner, and a hat that blocks three aisles
• 1970s: flared pants so wide you take out a whole display with one turn
• 1980s: shoulder pads sharp enough to fight for the last discounted toaster
If you’re not slightly overdressed for buying a discount blender, you’re doing it wrong.
Step 2: Bring Proper Vintage Shopping Tools
Back then, people didn’t have smartphones. So bring:
• a handwritten shopping list
• a tape measure for mysterious furniture deals
• coupons cut from actual newspapers
• a giant tote bag that smells faintly like your grandmother’s attic
Bonus points if your “coupon filing system” is a chaotic accordion folder that attacks anyone nearby when opened.
Step 3: Shop Like It’s the Good Old Days
Commit to the full vintage experience:
• Walk into the store with determination and mild fear
• Pretend you don’t know what a “cart abandonment email” is
• Ask salespeople actual questions because Google doesn’t exist yet
• Point dramatically at items and say, “They don’t make things like this anymore!” even when they clearly do
Haggle gently. Not because it works, but because it feels appropriately antique.
Step 4: Use Time-Period-Appropriate Shopping Tactics
1950s tactic: smile politely while aggressively blocking someone from grabbing the last hatbox. 1960s tactic: say “far out” at everything, even the vacuum cleaners. 1970s tactic: convince people lava lamps are essential and deserve a discount. 1980s tactic: move with the speed and power of your shoulder pads.
Remember: chaos is modern. Classy dramatic chaos is vintage.
Step 5: Pay Like a True Time Traveler
For authenticity:
• Pay in cash
• Write a check slowly, like a Victorian author signing a novel
• Ask if they take “store charge accounts” and watch Gen Z employees panic
If you must use a credit card, sigh loudly and say, “Technology… what will they invent next?”
Step 6: Celebrate Your Vintage Haul
Once home, lay out your treasures on the table like trophies. Take a sepia-toned photo. Tell everyone you “got a steal” even if you saved literally $3. Then collapse on the couch like you just returned from war — because in a way, you have.
